She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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