my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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