The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
