I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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