Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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