I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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