Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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