i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
