you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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