hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
