The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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