When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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