I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
