I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
