i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
dude. I can hear the air.
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