You're a womanizer and a bitch.
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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