Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
