And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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