You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
