Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
