I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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