my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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