Me too!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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