Midget sex pt 2 tonight
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just found a bag of teeth...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
