I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
