Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she peed on how many people?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize