Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
