dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
