My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
