sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
