my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
