i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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