people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
