Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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