If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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