I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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