Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
