I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
