we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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