dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
