Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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