How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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