OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
