Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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