I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
