chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
