You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
how drunk are you?
Several
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
