My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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