I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
