I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
