Little spoons don't ask big questions
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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