when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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