I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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