What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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