omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
