did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
