She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
