I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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