I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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