So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The Olympian is in my bed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
