Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
