My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
