did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
