i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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